Calmness of the mind allows us to touch purity

journal entry; learning to be compassionate with my mind

How my Meditation journey Began and why it led me to Thailand

Growing up in a Christian community, I was taught that practices like meditation and yoga were demonic. It’s strange considering prayer is similar to meditation and Jesus went into the desert for forty days to spend time alone meditating and speaking with God.

In grade 12, I transferred to a public school and my psychology teacher taught us about some of the psychological benefits of meditation.

She showed us scientific studies that concluded benefits like improved memory, anxiety and stress management and increased positive emotions.

I googled how to meditate and tried meditating with a candle but couldn’t figure out what to do. My mom explained that meditation was anything you do mindfully and that even eating a piece of chocolate could be meditation. So I’d melt some in my mouth and feel every sensation.

A year later, in my first year of university, I began to meditate regularly. I was living away from home and dealing with a lot of stress, so I used guided meditation and mindfulness training as a way to help me deal with the stress and isolation I felt.

I joined my university meditation club and experienced a bliss I’d never felt while meditating for 30 minutes in a group setting.

Since then I’ve been meditating with the headspace app nearly every morning, with some periods of life being on and off.

As a person with ADHD who doesn’t take stimulants, I get distracted easily and find the days when I do meditate—even if for 10 minutes in the morning—I’m more focused, regulated and present throughout the day.

Fast forward to October 2023, war and pain filled the world as Palestinians continued to be subjected to immense suffering at the hands of the occupation.

In the same month, after months of vet appointments, x-rays and testing - my cat, best friend, noor-e-chesam, was diagnosed with late-stage pulmonary carcinoma. He was only 3 years old and strong, we never expected it could be this serious.

We were told we didn’t have many options for treatment and that it was end-of-life care at this stage. We did everything we could to keep him comfortable, but watching him deteriorate killed me inside. We made the decision to let him go when things got too bad, and he passed away peacefully in my arms on Christmas Eve.

I felt like an egg cracked open against a hard rock. My insides felt exposed and every nerve in my heart seared in shock.

My threshold for happiness sunk below the ground, would I ever experience joy and happiness like before?

Working hard to maintain a sense of normalcy, I continued my daily routines and attended work after Christmas break as if nothing happened.

As hard as I tried to meditate to alleviate some of the suffering, my mind was so exhausted and distracted that I couldn’t focus my attention on meditation for even ten minutes. I’d put on a guided meditation and immediately get lost in thought.

Something always drew me to Buddhism and the idea that one day I’d travel to Thailand and spend time visiting temples and meditating with monks.

A few days before my cat passed away, I felt in my heart that he was seriously urging me to make this dream a reality.

After he passed, I googled meditation retreats. I found one in the mountains that looked serene and secluded and signed up for their structured retreat.

I’ve been meditating for 8 years since I was 18, 8 is my lucky number, I turned 26 on the 8th (2+6=8) and it’s 2024 (2+2+4=8). I took this as an extra sign and booked the flight on my 26th birthday.

On January 28, I hopped on a 16-hour flight to attend a meditation retreat in Pa Pae, a village in the mountains of Chiang Mai in northern Thailand.

Here we were practicing the middle way technique, meant to balance discipline and relaxation. The monks repeatedly mentioned how we should be feeling relaxed and comfortable, but I won’t lie the first couple of days were extremely challenging and I couldn’t find a way to unwind.

It seemed they were overbooked so they dropped us off in a meditation hall with some mats and sleeping bags on the floor with 20 other girls, with one outdoor bathroom and shower.

It was a beautiful meditation hall, but not the most comfortable living space. Due to being higher in the mountains, it fluctuated between extreme cold at night and hot during the day. With 20 women of different ages moving around, coughing, and waking up at all times of the night, we didn’t get much sleep. We were silent for the first days so we couldn’t even complain.

We woke up at 5-5:30 am in the mornings to meditate and spent 3-4 hours meditating together and independently in nature each day, with chanting and wisdom talks by teaching monks in between, fasting after our second meal at 11:30 am and enjoying 1-2 hours of free time.

The first full day, I was so exhausted from not sleeping, plus frustrated and distracted from not being able to meditate properly, I felt this was a huge mistake and I desperately wanted to go home early to my city life comforts. Why would I put myself through this on my 2-week vacation?

By the second day, I started to settle into the environment, noticing all the beautiful sights, and the constant sounds of birds singing, frogs croaking and crickets chirping.

The monks always had a peaceful and grounding aura. I sunk into the meditation practices and started to feel the meditations taking me to a blissful and relaxed state.

The teaching monks blessed us with daily guidance and wisdom, and it was healing to be around other individuals working hard to develop their mindfulness journey.

A few days in, I feel happier than I have in months or maybe years. I feel much more at peace and once again feel my heart fill with happiness, love, and compassion for myself and others.

Will I always feel this happy?

As I’ve learned from Buddhism: nothing is permanent, life is full of suffering and death is synonymous with birth on this planet.

Nonetheless, I feel a greater sense of peace knowing I’ve furthered my meditation practice and can take these mindfulness tools and wisdom teachings with me throughout my life.

Like yoga or a muscle you work out at the gym, meditation and mindfulness need consistent training, as the effects wear off over time.

I’m excited to continue practicing and to see where meditation takes my mind and my life. I feel the fire within me has been lit again, and I feel inspired to share these practices with others.

I want to share more about the things I’ve learned, and I’ve thought about starting a mindfulness community or meditation club when I return to Vancouver.

One of my ultimate visions with meditation is to guide children to meditation and mindfulness, especially children with developmental disorders like ADHD and autism. Meditating from a young age can help build resilience, self-worth, and confidence, and improve social skills and focus at school and home. In this age of unlimited access to digital media and information, slowing down and sitting comfortably with your mind is crucial.

We’ll see, for now I’m just grateful to be here.

Every material belonging, home, and person we meet will leave our side eventually. Our mind, body, and soul are the only things that will be here with us every step of the way, from birth until death.

Every state and emotion is temporary. Grey clouds may cover the mind, but the blue sky is never far behind.

How can you be kind to your mind today?

with love,

Jasmine ♡

**Note: I wrote this on my notes app while still in Thailand in February. I’m sharing it now, as last Thursday was the 8/8/8 Lion’s Gate portal. My sister held a community yoga class at the park and I led a guided meditation at the end. It felt like a full-circle moment, and I’m grateful to share a practice that has impacted me significantly. We’ll be holding more of these gatherings until the end of August so reach out if you’re interested in joining. Tomorrow is Sunset Yoga #2!

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